Dream Porn Locations

When you consider that I probably would have made more money working at a Sri Lanka shoe factory over the past year, I’m very thankful that I was able to save some money before starting this albatross of a website because doing so allowed me to afford a little vacation earlier this summer. I went to Playa Del Carmen and stayed at the Hotel Básico. Very cool hotel. Modern design. Great bar. The works. When there, I couldn’t help but think that it would be a great place for a photo shoot for any one of the several erotic photography websites that I’ve promoted on the website. Soon after my return, I did a quick search and noticed that Hegre-Art did a few shoots at the hotel last year. Next thing you know I was trying to think of some cool, exciting places at where an actual porn could be filmed. Here are three of them.

1. Macchu Picchu’s Anal Revenge

Artsy Backpacker Girl – Lilly LaBeau
French Foreign Exchange Student – Lou Charmelle
Annoying Sorority Girl – Shawna Lenee
Helicopter Pilot – Rocco Siffredi

This will be a documentary style porn. Kind of like the Blair Witch Project. While there will be other girls in the movie, the main three female characters are a cool, artsy type backpacker girl (played by Lily LaBeau), a French foreign exchange student that is studying with the group (played by Lou Charmelle), and a bitchy sorority girl type (played by Shawna Lenee).

The first few scenes will consist of various hookups while they are in Lima. Then, after a wild night at the discotheque, the girls pull themselves together for the bus ride to Cuzco so they can take a helicopter trip up to Macchu Picchu. Unfortunately, the character played by Shawna Lenee is still nursing a massive hangover and is desperately in need of some green tea. She throws a big fit right as they are reaching the helicopter pad in Cuzco. The locals do not know what to make of her behavior until a seemingly nice old lady manages to calm her down by giving her some special ancient Incan green tea while knowingly winking at the helicopter pilot who, of course, is played by the great Rocco Siffredi. They all get into the helicopter and make their way to Macchu Picchu. While the sun is setting over the mountains, things start to get a little wild and the ensuing group sex scene ends with Shawna Lenee’s character getting double penetrated by Rocco and some random Incan dude with a penchant for anal sex who seems to have appeared out of nowhere.

Photographer Filippo Sano’ from Photodromm would be brought in to do the stills.

2. The OC: A Porn Parody

Summer Roberts – Tori Black
Marisa Cooper – Alexis Ford
Alex Kelly – Kiara Diane
Julie Cooper-Nichol – Samantha Ryan

Though this is based on a television show and is technically neither a ‘place’ nor a ‘location’, it’s one of the best television shows of all time and it happens to be named after a place, so that’s that and here we are. I was tempted to give the role of Summer Roberts (Rachel Bilson’s character) to Little Caprice, but it’s an important role and I was worried about the accent. Besides, you really can’t go wrong with Tori Black. Alexis Ford gets the role of Marisa Cooper (Mischa Barton’s character) and will do a scorching hot lesbian scene with Alex Kelly, a character based on Olivia Wilde’s memorable character in the show. Finally, Samantha Ryan, as a brunette, will finish the movie by doing a memorable gangbang scene in the role of Julie Cooper-Nichol.

Photographer Tammy Sands from VIP Area would be brought in to do the stills.

3. Rambos At The Ryugyong

Tall Blonde Porn Star #1 – Angelina Armani
Tall Blonde Porn Star #2 – Nikki Jayne
Tall Blonde Porn Star #3 – Tanya James

The year is 2013 and after expertly navigating himself and his followers through nearly a decade of adult industry turmoil, and backed by the deep pockets of the Romanian mafia, an ex-photographer out of Prague by the name of Saul Darkham has left all challengers in the dust to become the allmighty King of Porn. While doing a jigsaw puzzle at his mansion in Agoura Fucking Hills one evening, he receives a call from a colleague in Bucharest and is told to round up three tall blonde porn stars and to send them to North Korea ASAP because the Dear Leader is feeling frisky.

With the reflex of a mongoose, the still lithe and ever diligent 63 year old Saul is almost immediately able to locate 5’10″ Angelina Armani and 5’10″ newly blonde again Tanya James. While trying to figure out who will be the lucky #3, he remembers that 5’10″ blonde British porn star and current Vivid Girl Nikki Jayne happens to be in town for a shoot. He initially has a bit of difficulty in getting in touch with the decision makers at Vivid who can let Nikki off the set, so he has his wife Sativa fire up the Lada and drive him down Cahuenga Boulevard as he stands up through the sunroof with a bullhorn until he can make shit happen. We are kings or we are pawns and Saul Darkham is the motherfucking King of Porn.

With only a small amount of time for light packing, a limo proceeds to pick up Nikki, Arianna, and Tanya to take them to LAX so they can board their 12 hour flight to Shanghai. Despite them all still being in a bit of shock because of how quickly everything transpired, the girls are surprisingly upbeat given the uncertainty that lies ahead. After they each have a couple Bloody Marys and a Xanax, the girls get some good sleep on the plane before landing in Shanghai.

The Shanghai airport is full of seemingly happy people many of whom are wearing Kobe Bryant jerseys. They grab a few Shogun Burgers before making their way to the Air Koryo terminal where they can’t help but notice how the mood around them has quickly changed. While the rest of the airport is bustling with energy, the Air Koryo terminal is full of people who are either hysterically weeping or sitting silently while waiting to board the next flight to Pyongyang. As the plane slowly pulls up to the gate, those who were previously stonefaced begin to cry. Either because they know their fate is now sealed or because they are nervous at seeing the blue letters of “Pan Am” peeking out from under the chipped paint on the mass of rusted steel that is about to fly them to the always sunny DPRK. With all the aid money the Dear Leader has stolen from his people, and considering his world reknown appetite for Swedish hookers, you’d think the little guy could have at least sprung for NetJets®.

After boarding, the girls take their seats and are comforted by the friendly flight attendants. The take off is surprisingly smooth and they are very thankful for having had the Shogun Burgers because the in-flight meal doesn’t look very appetizing. About 15 minutes before the scheduled landing time, they look out the window and are able to see the world famous Ryugyong Hotel in all it’s glory. As was the case with takeoff, the landing was very smooth and the girls give props to the Air Koryo crew for making do with such shoddy equipment. Major props.

After being rushed through customs, the girls are greeted by a driver and a 1980s model light grey Cadillac limousine which many locals consider to be the smoothest ride in all of Pyongyang. Shortly after leaving the airport, they pull onto a long road which is kind of like the Champs-Élysées, only it leads to the Ryugyong Hotel instead of the Arc de Triomphe.

They arrive at the hotel and are greeted by some of the Dear Leader’s helpers. The inside of the building is painfully gaudy like a Trump building on steroids. They are then led to a waiting room. Hanging on the wall are fake autographed photos featuring a photoshopped in Kim Jong Il with 80s action stars Stephen Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Dolph Lundgren. It’s just a really bizarre place.

Finally, after nearly 24 hours of anxiety ridden travel, the General, clad in a maroon smoking jacket, ankle high black socks (w/sock garters), and open toed sandles, emerges through the French doors, pours himself some Johnny Walker Blue on the rocks with a splash of Perrier before, with a friendly voice in absolute perfect English, introducing himself to the girls by simply saying……”Hi, I’m Kim.”

After a few minutes of typical small talk (Kim is a huge fan of Dancing With The Stars), the Supreme Commander snaps his fingers and says “I think it’s about time for us to head up to the ‘Rambo Room’”. Well, OK. I guess the ‘Rambo Room’ it is the girls think as they get up to follow the funny little man. The hall is long and narrow and, as Kim explains, fitted with synthetic grass so as he can have a place to practice his world class short game whenever he decides that the skies of Pyongyang will see rain.

As they reach the end of the hall, a heavy iron door automatically swings open with a thud. Always the gentleman, the General lifts his hand as if to say ‘Ladies First’ while the girls pensively peak their heads through the door before entering a room filled with shrub decor so cheap it looked as if it was decorated by 5 year old going through a George Of The Jungle phase. After following the ladies into the baby jungle ‘Rambo Room’, the commander and his henchmen walk to the corner of the room and proceed to have an apparently intense conversation in Korean while the girls wait nervously underneath the leaves of a cheap plastic palm tree. After what seems like 10 minutes, but is probably only 30 seconds or so, one of the henchmen walks towards the girls and discreetly explains to them that the Dear Leader occasionally has issues with his little ‘Generalissimo’ and would prefer to watch them in a cuckold type scene with the two white Rambos who are now just entering the room. The henchmen leave as Kim stands there in the corner wearing only a Rick Springfield shirt and striped boxers as he dims the lights, pours himself another Johnny Walker, watches the show, and lights a firecracker every now and then when he gets excited.

Photographer Richard Avery from Juliland did not receive an invite from the Dear Leader but was still able to magically create realistic looking stills at an abandoned warehouse in Chino after the girls returned home safely.

TIME FOR YOU TO BUY SOME SHIT, BITCHES!!